did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
