I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
