Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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