Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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