the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Everyone says I win the strip club
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
