hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
