A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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