apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
