I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
