I love black thongs
one two three fourrrrnication!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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