Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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