Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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