he wants to bone in the snuggie
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
