id be glad to
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
