I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
