I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Randomize
