When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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