you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
