Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
