I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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