nut hugger
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
