He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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