Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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