And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
