Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
