saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
