I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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