You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
