I feel great
I just peed on a car
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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