Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
