Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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