it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
