I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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