no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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