Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
