five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
