She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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