Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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