Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
