I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
