Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
