I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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