So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
