i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My dick has a subreddit
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
