Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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