I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
