someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
