woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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