tequila makes me forget i have legs
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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