omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
