I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
