Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
