Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
