you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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