Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
