there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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