Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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